Part IV
My mom was extra attentive to me that week asking me if I was okay and telling me that it was okay to talk about it, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do. I told her that I was fine and I just wanted the whole scene to be over. And, I truly believed that. I wasn't holding back tears and I didn't feel that upset. One day after school, my inevitable stress showed itself in a fit of me screaming and crying as I threw my school books across the living room floor. When my mom ran into the room and asked me what was wrong, I explained to her that I was angry because I couldn't find a sharpened pencil. Looking back on this moment, I laugh and realize how bad I was at expressing myself at the time...I got a night of ice cream out of it.
So, we made the plan to meet him at the local mall. My mom and dad, my uncle and three of my mom's best friends all hid behind a big planter with fake plants and spot lights that they always have by the food courts at the mall. There was a fountain nearby as well. I tossed a penny in and made a wish as I walked away from the group and left my mom. Two of my friends were posted up two tables down from me and another two friends were hanging out by a kiosk that was directly in front of where I was sitting. It was around the holidays and the new kiosk was selling packaged cheese and sausage. I remember laughing to myself at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was scared to see a man that was supposed to be my sole male protector in life while my friends were hiding behind a kiosk selling sausage.
As I sat at the two person table at the sandwich shop where we were to meet, I looked up and realized that I was safely surrounded on all sides by people who loved me. One way or another I was going to be okay. I took a deep breath and waited for him to get there. As I saw him walking in, he was wearing a long black overcoat, his hair was slicked by, he was much taller than I remember, and he looked like a foreboding creature. I started to tear up and quickly stopped myself. I did not want to break down in this moment. I wanted to say what I had to say and get it over with.
He walked up to the table and awkwardly gave me a hug. I looked at him and tried to feel something. I felt nothing. I felt disconnected and I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. The only thing that comforted me was knowing that I had a lot of eyes watching to make sure I was okay. The meeting went quickly and he basically told me that his mother, my grandmother was dying and that she would love to see me. He also took out papers and showed me that he had an insurance policy for me. I was 14 and had no idea what that meant. I realize later that this was his sad attempt at buying me off, at showing me that he had done at least one thing responsibly and set money aside for me in the case of his death. He was, as I always remember him to be, a quiet talker, a serious man who lacked warmth and sincerity. I was instantly transfixed back to being 5 years old in his presence.
I couldn't understand what he expected from me and I didn't know why he went about meeting me in this way. Why didn't he send me a letter and request that I see him? Why did he have to bring lawyers and judges into it? Why did my mom have to be threatened with prison? It didn't make sense to me. The evening came to a quick halt when he reached over the table and touched my face. I flinched and save farther back in my seat. He said, "Oh you have chocolate on your cheek. I was trying to get it off for you." This is when I was compelled to say, "Well it looks like this meeting is over. That chocolate you were trying to remove is a birthmark. As my father, you should probably know that." Both he and his mother tried to remove that mark on different occasions. I did what the judge requested and I told him that I did not want to see him. That was that. He respected my wishes and stayed out of my life.
My mom was extra attentive to me that week asking me if I was okay and telling me that it was okay to talk about it, cry, scream, whatever I needed to do. I told her that I was fine and I just wanted the whole scene to be over. And, I truly believed that. I wasn't holding back tears and I didn't feel that upset. One day after school, my inevitable stress showed itself in a fit of me screaming and crying as I threw my school books across the living room floor. When my mom ran into the room and asked me what was wrong, I explained to her that I was angry because I couldn't find a sharpened pencil. Looking back on this moment, I laugh and realize how bad I was at expressing myself at the time...I got a night of ice cream out of it.
So, we made the plan to meet him at the local mall. My mom and dad, my uncle and three of my mom's best friends all hid behind a big planter with fake plants and spot lights that they always have by the food courts at the mall. There was a fountain nearby as well. I tossed a penny in and made a wish as I walked away from the group and left my mom. Two of my friends were posted up two tables down from me and another two friends were hanging out by a kiosk that was directly in front of where I was sitting. It was around the holidays and the new kiosk was selling packaged cheese and sausage. I remember laughing to myself at the ridiculousness of the situation. I was scared to see a man that was supposed to be my sole male protector in life while my friends were hiding behind a kiosk selling sausage.
As I sat at the two person table at the sandwich shop where we were to meet, I looked up and realized that I was safely surrounded on all sides by people who loved me. One way or another I was going to be okay. I took a deep breath and waited for him to get there. As I saw him walking in, he was wearing a long black overcoat, his hair was slicked by, he was much taller than I remember, and he looked like a foreboding creature. I started to tear up and quickly stopped myself. I did not want to break down in this moment. I wanted to say what I had to say and get it over with.
He walked up to the table and awkwardly gave me a hug. I looked at him and tried to feel something. I felt nothing. I felt disconnected and I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. The only thing that comforted me was knowing that I had a lot of eyes watching to make sure I was okay. The meeting went quickly and he basically told me that his mother, my grandmother was dying and that she would love to see me. He also took out papers and showed me that he had an insurance policy for me. I was 14 and had no idea what that meant. I realize later that this was his sad attempt at buying me off, at showing me that he had done at least one thing responsibly and set money aside for me in the case of his death. He was, as I always remember him to be, a quiet talker, a serious man who lacked warmth and sincerity. I was instantly transfixed back to being 5 years old in his presence.
I couldn't understand what he expected from me and I didn't know why he went about meeting me in this way. Why didn't he send me a letter and request that I see him? Why did he have to bring lawyers and judges into it? Why did my mom have to be threatened with prison? It didn't make sense to me. The evening came to a quick halt when he reached over the table and touched my face. I flinched and save farther back in my seat. He said, "Oh you have chocolate on your cheek. I was trying to get it off for you." This is when I was compelled to say, "Well it looks like this meeting is over. That chocolate you were trying to remove is a birthmark. As my father, you should probably know that." Both he and his mother tried to remove that mark on different occasions. I did what the judge requested and I told him that I did not want to see him. That was that. He respected my wishes and stayed out of my life.
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